Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
the day after is always just damage control
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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