Ambien. No doubt about it.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
