i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
