and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize