i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
