Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I could have mohawked her pubes.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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