You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
operation have a gay friend backfired
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
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