i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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