i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
