Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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