Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
My vagina is officially offended.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
