Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
