Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
