I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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