I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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