Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
