I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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