Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
