I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
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