just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
