My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize