They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
it's like heaven, but drunker
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
These tits shall not be calmed
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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