If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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