The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
