It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize