so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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