I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
