I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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