I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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