God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
we made out on top of his cat.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
