yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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