Don't make out with my wife yet
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
