you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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