i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
