We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
