my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
