Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
