My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
