If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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