Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
