"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Don't EVER smell your tampon
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
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