I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
don't judge my taste in strippers
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
