She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize