i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
