i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
