by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
