how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
