seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I want to be your penis for a week.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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