Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
