i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize