Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
