I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
