Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
time to smoke my breakfast
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
