i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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