Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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