I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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