i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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