3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
