my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
