all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I want a musical about memes.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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