I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
