just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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