we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize