I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
