I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
