he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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