somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize
