i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
