Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize