woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I'm like, not good at living.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
