Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Randomize
