and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
