***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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