My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
