That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
