I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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