I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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