Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
