I have demons in me.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
