I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
